Every single thing in my life has led up to this very moment.

The moment I finally gathered the courage to end it all. End the feelings of self loathing, disgust and shame.

And as the pain from the pills I’ve ingested start to wreak havoc on my stomach, and as I struggle not to cry out for help

I wonder what would have happened if things were just a little different.

I wonder what would have happened if my parents believed me? If they’d not been so insistent to call me a liar, I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t start to doubt myself,

I was 8.

I wonder what would have happened if you protected me, not Uncle Tunde. If instead of me, he was the one ostracized, and shamed. Instead of me being fast, he was called out for being a predator.

I wonder what would have happened if I’d been shown just a little support.

I wonder what would have happened if I was treated lovingly, and made to understand I was a child, it was not my fault. it couldn’t have been.

What if you’d been been more concerned with my fragility and not my loss of virtue?

What would have happened if I was never called fast?

What would have happened if he had seen my tears and decided to stop?

What if our friends didn’t insist on taking his side? Even those that knew he had a history of forcing girls against their will did nothing, and when I attempted to stand up for myself I was the one who lost all my friends.

What if my boss didn’t see me as his plaything, using me whenever he deemed fit,

I wonder what would have happened if the man I married knew it was my right to say no, what if he’d not insisted on taking what he’d “paid for” severally, and even forcefully without any regard at all for me.

I wonder what would have happened if I could have opened up about all the times I experienced sexual violence, but I mean who would believe me, I was drunk, I was high, I was slutty, I definitely wanted it.

Maybe the pain would not be so overwhelmingly powerful… so much so I had to resort to this.